Quotations by Ambrose Bierce

DEJEUNER: The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · DEJEUNER

ACADEMY: [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ACADEMY

PIGMY: One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians —who are Hogmies.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · PIGMY

PROOF: Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · PROOF

MIRACLE: An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · MIRACLE

ILLUSTRIOUS: Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ILLUSTRIOUS

ADAGE: Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ADAGE

HEARSE: Death's baby-carriage.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · HEARSE

AFFLICTION: An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · AFFLICTION

RASCAL: A fool considered under another aspect.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · RASCAL

COENOBITE: A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · COENOBITE

EMANCIPATION: A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the despotism of himself.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · EMANCIPATION

KILT: A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · KILT

LAZINESS: Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · LAZINESS

IMPIETY: Your irreverence toward my deity.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · IMPIETY

ELOQUENCE: The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ELOQUENCE

CLAIRVOYANT: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · CLAIRVOYANT

RESPECTABILITY: The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · RESPECTABILITY

BAPTISM: A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways—by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · BAPTISM

PLENIPOTENTIARY: Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert it.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · PLENIPOTENTIARY

PASTIME: A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · PASTIME

RADICALISM: The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · RADICALISM

MISFORTUNE: The kind of fortune that never misses.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · MISFORTUNE

NOMINEE: A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · NOMINEE