Quotations by Ambrose Bierce

GRAPESHOT: An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · GRAPESHOT

BAROMETER: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · BAROMETER

ABDICATION: An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ABDICATION

KORAN: A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · KORAN

ACCUSE: To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ACCUSE

LIGHTHOUSE: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · LIGHTHOUSE

ERUDITION: Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ERUDITION

IMPENITENCE: A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · IMPENITENCE

CHRISTIAN: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · CHRISTIAN

CALLOUS: Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · CALLOUS

OLYMPIAN: Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · OLYMPIAN

FRIENDSHIP: A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · FRIENDSHIP

MONDAY: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · MONDAY

HIPPOGRIFF: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · HIPPOGRIFF

HYENA: A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · HYENA

OLD: In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an old man. Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an old book.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · OLD

REFORM: A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · REFORM

HOPE: Desire and expectation rolled into one.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · HOPE

BENEFACTOR: One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · BENEFACTOR

LECTURER: One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · LECTURER

PRECEDENT: In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · PRECEDENT

LIFE: A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · LIFE

DECIDE: To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · DECIDE

READING: The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · READING