Quotations by Ambrose Bierce

MEERSCHAUM: (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been disclosed by the manufacturers.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · MEERSCHAUM

DEGRADATION: One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · DEGRADATION

PALMISTRY: The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in "reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word "dupe." The imposture consists in not reading it aloud.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · PALMISTRY

INSURANCE: An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · INSURANCE

DEFAME: To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · DEFAME

LAUGHTER: An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals— these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that the infectious character of laughter is due to the instantaneous fermentation of sputa diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he names the disorder Convulsio spargens.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · LAUGHTER

RECONSIDER: To seek a justification for a decision already made.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · RECONSIDER

HOVEL: The fruit of a flower called the Palace.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · HOVEL

MAMMON: The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · MAMMON

EVERLASTING: Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Worcester, entitled, A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures. His book was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · EVERLASTING

EXCEPTION: A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, "Exceptio probat regulam" means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · EXCEPTION

RELIQUARY: A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · RELIQUARY

KISS: A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · KISS

ALDERMAN: An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ALDERMAN

QUOTIENT: A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another—usually about as many times as it can be got there.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · QUOTIENT

REASON: To weigh probabilities in the scales of desire.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · REASON

PLOW: An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the pen.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · PLOW

MAYONNAISE: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · MAYONNAISE

EMOTION: A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · EMOTION

MAMMALIA: A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · MAMMALIA

BRAIN: An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · BRAIN

MOUTH: In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · MOUTH

ADMIRATION: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ADMIRATION

PLEASURE: The least hateful form of dejection.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · PLEASURE