Quotations by Ambrose Bierce

INVENTOR: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · INVENTOR

APOSTATE: A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · APOSTATE

EAVESDROP: Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · EAVESDROP

ETHNOLOGY: The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ETHNOLOGY

FASHION: A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · FASHION

RACK: An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now held in light popular esteem.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · RACK

ABSOLUTE: Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ABSOLUTE

DEPENDENT: Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · DEPENDENT

OVEREAT: To dine.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · OVEREAT

ACTUALLY: Perhaps; possibly.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ACTUALLY

AIR: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · AIR

MUGWUMP: In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · MUGWUMP

LANGUAGE: The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · LANGUAGE

LOCK-AND-KEY: The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · LOCK-AND-KEY

OVERWORK: A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · OVERWORK

HOUSE: A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. House of Correction, a place of reward for political and personal service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. House of God, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. House-dog, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. House-maid, a youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has pleased God to place her.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · HOUSE

GUNPOWDER: An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · GUNPOWDER

APPLAUSE: The echo of a platitude.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · APPLAUSE

MANNA: A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · MANNA

DAY: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper—the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · DAY

PENITENT: Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · PENITENT

ACCIDENT: An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · ACCIDENT

QUORUM: A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · QUORUM

EXTINCTION: The raw material out of which theology created the future state.

Ambrose Bierce · Il dizionario del diavolo · The Devil’s Dictionary · EXTINCTION